Oooooooooh, shiny!

I LOVE disaster movies. I love really bad disaster movies. I love disaster movies with completely implausible premises that require you to shut down whole portions of your brain in order to even get through the movie.

However, sometimes, things just go TOO. DAMN. FAR.

Case in point: War of the Worlds with your favorite couch-jumping, white-toothed scientologist, Tom Cruise.

I am not a Tom Cruise fan, but I have to say, this movie scares the crap out of me. I watch it every time it makes the rounds on basic cable, and every time I get so nervous that I have to pace. A lot.

ANYWAY. Ok. The first thing you just have to do when you watch one of these is switch on the old Disbelief Suspension Machine.

{WUBBA wubba wubba WUBBA wubba wubba WUBBA wubba wubba WUBBA wubba wubba}

(What, you didn’t know the Disbelief Suspension Machine says “WUBBA wubba wubba?” What in the hell did you think it said? Jeesh. You people. )

Ok, machine on. I am pretending I am a character in War of the Worlds. There is some freaky lightning shit going on all over the world. Now there is a big humongous black scary onmygodweareallgoingtodie storm overhead. Lightning – lots and lots of freaky ass lightning.

What is the first thing I do? I LEAVE MY CHILDREN ALONE IN THE HOUSE so I can go find my car. Clearly I (tomcruise) am a douchebag. But so far, not too unbelievable, right?

Then I go a few blocks over to investigate the crater left by lightning hitting the same spot over and over. Ok, so I am curious. REALLY curious. Fine. {WUBBA wubba wubba}

Then the ground starts shaking and rotating, and a whole monster-sized catholic church is rent apart, and then and then and THEN a big ass scary ominous evil robot thing comes out of the ground.

In a disaster movie, you expect crazy shit like this, so this is NOT the unbelievable part. Bear with me.

Again – let me lay this out for you – ground shaking. Check. Huge buildings easily torn apart. Check. BIG SCARY EVIL THREE-LEGGED ROBOT THING EMERGES FROM THE GROUND.

What do I, douchebag (tomcruise) do? Do I race home to protect my children and save my ass? No no no no no no no no.

I (and all the other dumbasses in the city) STAND AT THE EDGE OF THE CRATER AND WATCH. FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.

Because you know, this can’t possibly be dangerous or nuthin’, right?

I KNOW! I’ll duck behind a CAR DOOR! YES!!!! I am a GENIUS!

WAIT, now it is shooting at us! Vaporizing people into dust !!!POOF!!!

Hm. Guess I’ll run now.

Aliens burying machines in the earth millions of years ago, impregnating the machines with aliens through in vitro lightningization, then overrunning the planet vaporizing or gobbling up everyone in their paths? Yes. I buy it.

People hanging around slack-jawed to watch? Hmmm. nope.

Again, this may just be me.

P.S. You may be thinking “But Jenny, this is what people do in disaster movies. The ’standing around watching when you CLEARLY need to high tail it out of there’ thing is part of the genre.” Sure, you bet. This is just the most EGREGIOUS stupefyingly idiotic example I have ever seen.

P.P.S. Do not ever question me again.

The first post of any blog is kind of a big fat throwaway, isn’t it? Chances are nary a soul will ever read it except the friends you forward it to. I should just write a bunch of crap. Tell a few jokes. Jot down my grocery list. Leave off the embarrassing items that I always hide under the dryer sheets in my cart.

And what the hell? ANOTHER blog? The world does NOT need another effing blog. How self-centered are we to think anyone needs another blog to add to all the ones they never have time to read anyway?? Jesus, I am SO sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking.

So to flagellate myself a bit, I am going to use the first throwaway post to share my FAVORITE WTF Movie Moment of All Time.

The Movie: Cold Mountain, nominated for 7 academy awards, the only winner Renee Zelwegger for Best Suporting Actress.

The Scene: Inman (Jude Law) in the hospital, wounded in the Civil War, deciding to go AWOL to get home to his girl Ada.

The Clip: The WTF moment happens about 9 minutes 45 seconds into this clip – go ahead and fast-forward that sucker now. See the old blind dude warning Jude Law’s character that they shoot traitors, then cut to hospital bed scene.

WHEEEEE!!!! FLYING BLANKETS!

(Rewind, watch again)

HOLY SHIT, THAT BLANKET FLEW OFF AS IF OF ITS OWN GODDAMNED ACCORD!

(Rewind, watch again)

Picture Husband and I the first time we saw this movie. We rented it. Were kind of bored with it. Thinking the southern accents were all a wee bit Beverly Hillbillies.

Flying Blankets? Saved the movie. I don’t remember which of us first noticed it , but we were giggling like giddy schoolchildren as we rewound and rewatched this over and over and over and over again.

Notice that part of the blanket lifts up – it kind of looks like his (really huge pointy) knee is poking up under the blanket, but when the blanket flies off, his knees are down.

Poor Inman. SO weak from his wounds and travels, could not fling off his own damn blanket. Aided by the ghosts of soldiers who would never make it home to their own Ada’s, he is FREED of his woolen shackles. TA DAAAA!

. . . . . .

Or is it just us?